Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The IH8 Gifts "Top Ten"

X-MAS time is here again! Get out your stockings and fruit cakes!!! Warm up your piggy-pudding (hmm) and sip some egg-nog, because Santa Clause will be coming to your mom's house tonight. Here's a list of ten things you shouldn't buy your sweety this holiday season:

Image: Ron Bird / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

(Check out the Top Ten Things not to buy this Christmas after le' jump)

10. Jack Spade Designer Frog Dissection Kit
Ohh, just in time for the Holidays, an uber-cool kit for taking apart your frog! It comes with all of this:

This is for the stylish high school student in us all. Isn't it cute! Might be hard to find one of these nowadays and expect to pay out your ass!! But isn't that little limping froggy worth it?

This is actually something that I really would like for Jesus's birthday. Although, probably not great for the kid, but perfect for the kid in you! It even has realistic looking nipples and plays "Titties and Beer" by Rodney Carrington, classic! (Something extra: it comes in Christmas Colors)

Now you can enjoy your favorite shaped cookie creations! From chocolate chip, to oatmeal, to macadamia nut, you'll enjoy your cookies so much more when eating them in fetus shape!

Talk about the worst, lamest gift ever. I guess it could be funny as a gag gift to someone that doesn't pay attention. Otherwise, let people buy their own hearing aids! I won't lie though, I really want some. This is just gross for some reason.

So Mom is going to live with your new daddy and Pops is shacking up with your best friend from high school? Well, sounds like you got gypped. Although, you're probably getting more presents next year! Well, that is unless your dad loses his job and step-dad Mark doesn't want to buy your stupid ass anything. (Go to a happy place, go to a happy place.) Speaking of a happy place...

This club is perfect for breaking windows and messing up your husband's face if needed. They break the nose straight down the middle so that there is no long-term observable damage. Turn the club around and beat him with the padded grip so as not to leave a bruise. Great for customization, however these babies can get expensive. Make sure you'll golf with them at some point.

The Ed Wood classic transvestite epic starring himself. You'll be ready to "pull ze strings" and let fly with all your hidden underwear and bondage fetishes! The best thing about this film its that it is a terribly awful "true story" that gives you a pretty great idea about how fuckin' insanely brilliant Ed Wood was. I miss the days of cinematic crapola, but it seems to be making a comeback (see Black Dynamite.)

Now your loved ones can't accuse you of not caring anymore! If they do, throw some batteries in this baby and dive-bomb those mother-fuckers! I'm sure with some tech know-how that you can modify this to shoot dildos, so that you can effectively fuck the area around you. This is not something I H8, this could potentially be something I really love.

Everyone knows girls don't rock. Do you remember Yoko Ono? Alanis Morisette? Aqua?! Girls have a long history of sucking at rock music, so this guide probably won't solve any problems. That is unless the book is empty, save for three words. "Leave it alone!!" Stop trying to sell my favorite thing in life to little kids so you can make a ride at Disneyland. Rock is about punching a mother fucker in the face while dancing in a circle, not pussies. Well, I guess that depends on which musician that you choose to enjoy.

And the number 1 gift that you probably don't want to get this X-MAS..........

Oh that pesky little uninvited guest! The good thing is that you'll remind your beloved of your love for her at least once a month. Plus if he/she's a keeper its almost as effective as a chastity belt! But unfortunately you may miss out on some crusty Christmas lovin', which makes me a sad, sad boy. :(

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