Top 8 XMAS Songs

8.) Dominick the Christmas Donkey

I just like the video these guys made. The song is actually originally made in Italian and probably makes sense. But Americans can make beautiful things too!! This is proof-positive.



7.) What if Jesus Comes Back Like That

All I can say is, wow. If Jesus comes back like that I may become a Christian. Perhaps this is the key to keeping Christianity alive, change Jesus's image from a lovable cereal-box character to a bad-ass, conservative cowboy.



6.) The Night Santa Went Crazy - Weird Al Yankovich

Weird Al is a crazy mother fucker. This song proves it. Tied up elves being set on fire, tattooed Jesus of a Santa. Beautiful. I remember listening to this song as a kid on my walkman portable CD player (orange with matching orange accented headphones - the big kind.) Memories!!



5.) The Christmas Coming Out Song

This is just....wow. I definitely don't think they put much thought into this, but I would burn this on any CD with XMAS music I make. Because it's fucking hilarious. Clever? Na.



4.) the 12 Farts of Christmas

A good one for the kiddos, you know, in us all. Who doesn't love listening to fart versions of their favorite XMAS songs?



3.) Christmas in Hollywood - Hollywood Undead

I've got only two words for you, "let's fuck." The beat is groovy and nobody loves screaming white dudes more than us. Usually we are stabbing a bitch while they scream, but "oh my God is that Saint Nick?" Someone saying Fuck Yea to XMAS is great. I love, love, love this song.



2.) Fairytale of New York - The Pogues - lyrics

The part when the duet with Kirsty MacColl kicks in, this song establishes it as a classic one for my XMAS celebrations. Not to mention that I miss New York and everything in it. This song makes it worse, but in a good way. I know a few people who may not agree with me, but this song is the fuckin' tits. Check out the lyrics, this guy knew what's up. Sad story though.



1.) I Hate Christmas - Ren and Stimpy

Another childhood classic. Also, this song is a bluesy, moving tribute to H8ing XMAS. This is the only site that can appreciate the intrinsic beauty of pure and unadulterated passion from cartoon cats and dogs. Ren and Stimpy, please come back to us. The world needs you strange wisdom and sensibility, without it I feared we are all doomed. I fucking hate XMAS.

Trailer 2 for Alice in Wonderland

Read More Here

Just watched the newest trailer for the new movie, which is directed by Tim Burton and (from all appearances on the preview) seems to star Johnny Depp. Boo. This looks as bad as Willy Wonka or Planet of the Apes ass-rapings. Get ready guys, this one is gonna' suck so much penis it's not even funny. Think Hindenberg. Think Monkeybone. I'm serious. I wish fuckin' Del Toro could have got his hands on this.

Shit, I think that Peter Jackson or James Cameron might've been acceptable. I'm just so tired of the "variations-on-a-theme" type crap that Burton has been putting out lately. It's so ridiculous.

Johnny Depp? Always!! Helena Bonham Carter? Uh-huh, of course. Crispin Glover? Alan Rickman? Alright, I guess. Stephen Fry?? Wait a second...maybe I will have to see this after all.

Whatever the clip looks alright I guess, fans of Edward Scissorhands will love this stuff.

DJ Steve Porter featuring Vince Offer - "Slap Chop Rap"

Saw this commercial on VH1 last night, hilarious. I was so stoned when I saw this, so maybe it was just great because of that, but I have a feeling that this is a classic Commercial remix. Especially given that that guy got sent to jail awhile back. I loved it so much!! Especially the part about his nuts. TV version is shorter and a little different. Either way, you're gonna' love his nuts.

Hopefully the prostitute will let his tongue go next time....

I H8 Healthcare Reform Bill 1 *updated*

There's a feeling I get sometimes, when the floor drops from underneath me and my stomach jumps up into my throat. My legs get all shaky and I get really concerned. My heart usually stops beating for a few seconds. That's how I felt after reading this article about the future of our healthcare. 

Click here for YouTube video

the World Just Got Better: Oral Roberts dead at 91

Hallejuah, praise the Lord!! The tent revival community got a little smaller today.

Oral Roberts, who is notable for his televangelist fame and (according to his Wikipedia page) "made a name for himself with a large mobile tent "that sat 3,000 on metal folding chairs" where "he shouted at petitioners who did not respond to his healing. (Originally quoted from a TIME magazine article)"  died today. :( 


Well--I guess maybe once you kill the queen bee the rest of the hive will disperse and eventually die? I am not sure it works that way though...Boo. 

Anyways, on a happier note, Lebron James has found an efficient way to work, play and refresh himself all at once, by stealing a fan's fries.

J. B. Poersch, The Biggest Asshole in the Whole World

(man shown is actual size; XXL)

Poersch (you fat bastard) - -

DID YOU NOT GET MY LAST THREE EMAILS!!!! 

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, GOD DAMNITT!!!! I WANT NO MORE DNC SPAM, EWW!!

I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH!!! I WILL FOREVER-MORE ASSOCIATE THE NAME JB POERSCH WITH SPAM MAIL. I AM NEVER MAKING A CONTRIBUTION TO ANYTHING RELATED TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY AGAIN BECAUSE OF ASSHOLES LIKE YOU. 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP FUCKING SENDING ME THIS FUCKING EMAILS OR I WILL SET MYSELF AFLAME!!

YOU JUST MADE A REPUBLICAN OUT OF ME SIMPLY FOR RETALIATORY PURPOSES. AGH!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

Love--

Bryan Perryman

----- Original Message -----

From: J.B. Poersch

To: 

Sent: Monday, December 14, 2009 3:02 PM

Subject: Let's chat

Dear BRYAN, 2010 will be a brawl. Republican attacks are ramping up. Tea parties have riled up their ultraconservative base. We know just how nasty it's going to get. All this right-wing passion will be working against us. But a more powerful thing is working in our favor: You. I wanted to take a moment to thank you for standing with the DSCC. Each and every grassroots supporter makes us stronger - and it's strength we'll need to battle the GOP machine. But sheer numbers aren't enough, and that's why I'd like you to take part in a special online chat Wednesday at 3 p.m. We need every Democrat to be knowledgeable, engaged and prepared. Click here to RSVP for the chat. Going forward, we must hold onto a minimum of 60 seats to stop Republican obstruction. That means fighting for every open seat and helping our incumbents defeat their challengers. I know you have questions about the map, the races, our strategy and our hopes for 2010. Let me answer them during this special online chat. I want to hear from you, because our success depends on your help. Thanks again for all of your hard work on behalf of change. J.B. Poersch P.S.: Don't forget about the online chat Wednesday at 3 p.m. See you then.

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Just got a chance to watch this Werner Herzog remake of Bad Lieutenant, these are my thoughts:

Oh my goodness, what a bad ass flick! Nicolas Cage brings out the crazy in this drug-adled, post-Katrina New Orleans inspired, star-studded film.

The movie features Val Kilmer, Xzibit, and Cage, who is a heroin-loving cop. The movie just follows him through his duties as a homicide Detective, which prove hallucinatory and perverse. At one point he shakes down a couple coming out of a club for some smack, then fucks the chick.

I haven't seen a movie so utterly depressed, yet still so zen-like. The beginning finishs the end, into a complete circle, which is an indication of good writing and a cleverly executed idea.

Choosing New Orleans as a background for Cage's hilariously dark antics is brilliant, as it acts like a stage for a host of vivid characters that literally pop from the screen. I haven't seen a movie recently that I enjoyed watching, as much as this.

At some points I was thinking, holy shit that's so and so and so and so. Casting director did a superb job. Each moment on the screen really brings out the essence of what post-Katrina New Orleans must have been like. It was a run-down city, full of crime and ripe for the picking of criminals and drug dealers. This is the main focus of the plot.

There are some moments when you think, hmm, perhaps the camera man just discovered the camera. Especially the shots involving animals, they will leave you thinking, what the fuck?? But think of it this way, the director wanted to not only tell the story of this crazy mother fuckin' cop, he also wanted to tell the story of what Katrina did to New Orleans. It was a huge natural disaster that disrupted so many American citizen's way of life.

Certainly, these ideas are secondary to the theme of the movie. I think you'll enjoy it, just don't take it too seriously. I definitely felt the director channeling a little Hunter S. Thompson action. In fact, you'll see similarities between Depp's character in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Nicolas Cage's character in this gem. (Terence.)

Val Kilmer has a bit part, but it is up to his usual, odd-role standard. I liked him, especially his hair. But I always like his hair.

Also, Eva Mendes actually plays a fairly serious role and I was quite impressed. I thought she was hil-arious in Stuck on You. Jennifer Coolidge also makes a guest appearance, which leads me to believe that she must be good friends with Mendes (see Night at the Roxbury)

Well--just one more thing that I really love to H8, a Nicolas Cage movie....

I H8 Movie Embargos

I'm drunk and completely out of the loop on Avatar. But I've recently heard about something called movie review embargos. Basically, the movie industry asks that the reviewers hold off on reviews until the movie has been released.

But, I think I may have an issue with this policy. First of all, why should movie reviewers be catering to the desires of the industry? I think I had more journalistic integrity in the high school newspaper and I was the Sport's Editor.

Why am I being such a dick? Well--because if someone on FOX news had heard something about Obama's new healthcare plan, it'd be up as soon as possible. But not movie reviews. Damn, I honestly proved no point in this paragraph.

Here's the deal, if you know something you should let the world know. Because someone is interested and that someone is me.

Fuck those corporate whores that want to buy your praise, be who you are and express what you feel. Then we can listen to what you really have to say. Because people value an honest opinion over what will sell the most.

Imagine if the Ewoks would have become as big a deal as we all think they should've been. I don't want to give anything away, but we could have real-life fucking Ewoks. Fuzzy, self-aware creatures that purr when they like you.

*** this is fucking sweet!!***

Obama's H8-mail

This is a letter my good friend (and future contributor) Roberto Escamillo wrote to President Obama about the newest smoking regulations:

I H8 Peter Fucking Jackson and your Digg Dialogg Interview

Just watched the Digg Dialogg interview with Peter Jackson. I always kind of liked the guy, not knowing much about him. But, if you watched his Digg interview, you may have been just about as disappointed as myself.

Basically, Digg users were able to vote on questions that Peter Jackson was then asked (on camera) by some dude you probably don't know. The very first question was how he felt about movie piracy. First of all, what a lame question. I'll admit, I think I dugg the question also (hehe) because the pool of good questions was slim, but his answer was quite a lame one. It just shows how much he really loves money. He basically said that since they steal our money from what we make, they will kill film. The equivalent of a toddler screaming at everyone because no one wants to play his way, so he's just gonna' go sit in his room and cry about how mean the evil film pirates can be.